


The 3A Berkeley Mansions Literary Society

by cuddyclothes



Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Ficlet, Literary Greats made fun of, M/M, extremely silly, literary criticism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-02-08 04:17:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12856575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddyclothes/pseuds/cuddyclothes
Summary: A series of ficlets in which Bertie and Jeeves discuss great works of literature. These are little pieces written while working on longer stories.Inspired by the 'Ethan Frome' scene in Chapter 10 of Jeeves And The Chorus Girl. Each little segment is a stand-alone!





	1. The Beautiful And Damned

"Jeeves, about this Fscott Fitzgerald--"

"F. Scott Fitzgerald, sir."

"That's what I said, Jeeves, Fscott Fitzgerald. I don't know why he calls this tome _The Beautiful and Damned_. The romantic leads Anthony and Gloria fall in love, he’s rich, she’s beautiful. They marry, live the high life, drink too much and get hangovers. I don't see the bally tragedy in all that."

"Mr. Fitzgerald is decrying the emptiness of the life in cafe' society. His characters achieve their desires, yet they destroy their lives with carelessness and alcoholism."

"That could be anybody at the Drones, Jeeves."

"Precisely, sir."

“I say!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Beautiful and Damned_ was published by Scribner's in 1922. It was F. Scott Fitzgerald's second novel. His first was _This Side of Paradise_. Both novels were autobiographical, the second based on his life with his wife Zelda. He is best known for _The Great Gatsby_ , considered to be one of the greatest novels of the 20th century.


	2. Of Human Bondage

“Sir, I found this book underneath the mattress when I was changing the bed linens.”

“Oh? Oh _that_! Well! Please don’t think any less of me for it, it was frightfully disappointing, thought it would be about...thing...but it’s dashed long and I haven’t come to...thing...yet.”

“A fine choice of reading matter, sir. _Of Human Bondage_ is considered a premier example of _bildungsroman_.”

“You speak in riddles, Jeeves. I didn’t see it building to anything but endless pages about despair and being a bad painter. And having a clubfoot. The man should get his shoes custom-made, that would solve his problem.”

“ _Bildungsroman_ refers to a story of coming of age. In this instance, Philip Carey’s coming of age and his obsession with Mildred, a selfish waitress. The title is taken from Spinoza, Of Human Bondage, or the Strength of the Emotions.”

“You and old Maugham have a shared passion for Spinoza. Well, well, what?”

“’Human infirmity in moderating and checking the emotions I name bondage: for, when a man is a prey to his emotions, he is not his own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune: so much so, that he is often compelled, while seeing that which is better for him, to follow that which is worse’.”

“I don’t follow, Jeeves. Plain language, if you would be so kind?”

“A man ruled by his emotions often elects to take a more self-destructive course than a man ruled by his higher intellect.”

"We know that to be true, Jeeves. Look at my friends, and look at yourself. You're ruled by your higher intellect and you don't threaten fine young men with breaking their spines in five places when you erroneously think they're after your fiancee. You are above such trifles."

"Thank you, sir."

“Mildred the waitress, eh? Saucy stuff? I hadn’t gotten to that part. Too much swanning about in Germany and France. Dashed tedious.”

“I shouldn’t like to spoil the story for you, sir.”

“Young Wooster does not mind being spoiled if it gets him through this huge hunk of print all the faster. Spoil away.”

“Philip becomes enamored of Mildred, a waitress in a tea shop. She does not love him, and repeatedly exploits him for her own gain. No matter how humiliated she makes him, Philip cannot let go of his passion for Mildred.”

“Golly!”

“Yes, sir. Maugham has repeatedly denied the novel is autobiographical. But there are those who believe otherwise.”

“So, Jeeves.”

“Sir?”

“So, _Of Human Bondage_...it doesn’t mean...er, thing?”

“Thing, sir?”

“Thing! Ah, whatsit! Things that...well, a gentleman doesn’t speak of such things, but you did find the bally book under the mattress. And if you can...well, I can’t really _ask_. Perhaps you could write down a page number and leave it lying about, or leave the book open to the pertinent section?”

“There is no actual bondage in the novel, sir.”

“That’s not what I meant, Jeeves! You impugn my morals, man! This Wooster would never—I mean to say—that—there isn’t?”

“No, sir. It is meant only in the figurative sense.”

“Not even with Mildred?”

“No, sir.”

“Damn! Put the bally book on the bookshelf. I’ll go see the motion picture instead.”

“Very good, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Of Human Bondage_ by W. Somerset Maugham, was published in 1915. It is considered his masterpiece, and has made many lists of Hundred Best Books.
> 
> "Of Human Bondage", starring Leslie Howard as Philip Carey and Bette Davis as Mildred, was released in 1934.


	3. Ulysses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Bertie's search for licentious literature comes a cropper.

“Good evening, sir.”

“Good evening, Jeeves! How was your night at the Junior Ganymede? Any butlers throw a dinner roll at fellow members whilst they enjoyed a quiet glass of sherry?”

“No, sir. May I ask why is there a book lying on the floor against the wall opposite you, sir?”

“Leave it there, Jeeves—no, leave the bally thing there! Better yet, throw it out the window! No, it might hit some poor cove and end his life prematurely.”

“How did you come to procure a copy of _Ulysses_ , sir? It is banned in Britain and the United States for obscenity.”

“Well—ah—one has connections, Jeeves. Ginger Winship knows where to lay his hands on the hot stuff."

"If I may say so, it is hardly the light reading you are partial to, sir."

"The blighter steered me wrong! Not only is it as big as a hatbox, it is damned unintelligible. Give it here—let’s see—all right, listen to this:

_Ineluctable modality of the visible: at least that if no more, thought through my eyes. Signatures of all things I am here to read, seaspawn and seawrack, the nearing tide, that rusty boot. Snotgreen, bluesilver, rust: coloured signs._

I mean to say, what on earth is a seawrack? And snotgreen! Is that polite language, Jeeves? No, it is not!”

“Sea wrack is a form of seaweed. James Joyce was attempting something different with the written word. ‘Snotgreen’ and ‘scrotumtightening’—“

“JEEVES!”

“I merely wish to point out those are words the author uses to describe the sea. As they are in the very earliest pages of the novel, those are the two words most readers have associated with the book. I am sorry for any offense I have given.”

“You see? Not more than a few pages in and it is polluting our happy home. We will have no more of this James Joyce, Jeeves. Ha! Three Js in a row! Be that as it may, take that monument to drivel away. Make it a doorstop.”

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“Always, my man.”

“I should like to take this book. It has been my desire to read it. And as we know, it has been banned, making it difficult to obtain.”

“Spirit it off, Jeeves. I warn you, there’s nothing worth your time. Nothing spicy. Hope you enjoy it more than I did.”

“Yes I said and yes I will. Yes.”

“What?”

“Thank you for the book, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ulysses_ by James Joyce was first published in 1914, and banned for obscenity in the United Kingdom and America in 1922. However, a judge's ruling in 1933 overturned the ban, arguing that the book's merits lifted it above mere pornography.
> 
> “Yes I said and yes I will. Yes" are from the final lines of the book, during which Molly Bloom is having an orgasm.


	4. A Christmas Carol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Charles Dickens ruins Bertie's Christmas. Temporarily.

“Sir? Dinner is almost ready...Sir?”

“I’m in the bedroom."

“Sir, what are you doing in your bedroom, sitting in the dark? Do you wish to retire early?”

“No, it’s not that, Jeeves. I’ve been reading that blasted Charles Dickens.”

“ _The Old Curiosity Shop_? The death of Little Nell is most affecting. Although Oscar Wilde said ‘One cannot read the death of Little Nell without laughing.’”

“No. _A Christmas Carol_. It has plunged me into gloom.”

“But _A Christmas Carol_ has a happy ending, sir.”

“Blast the happy ending! When that Ebenezer chappie sees all of the poor people celebrating Christmas, all of them without any money...it’s horrible, Jeeves! Tiny Tim says he’s put on earth to remind people of the suffering of Jesus and how the Son healed the lame and made the blind see...and then little blighter goes and **dies** and ruins his family’s holiday! It’s all so awful, Jeeves.”

 “Sir, might I remind you that at the end of his travails, Mr. Scrooge mends his ways. He gives his clerk Mr. Cratchit a raise in salary and gifts them with a fine large goose for their feast. And Tiny Tim does not die after all.”

“A blasted goose is blasted not enough, dash it! I’m not coming out of this room until New Year’s Day. And do **not** serve me goose.”

“Perhaps it would help you to understand the story of why Charles Dickens wrote _A Christmas Carol_. After a visit to the Field Lane ‘ragged school’ for poor children in 1843, he was so dismayed by the “sickening atmosphere ‘of taint and dirt and pestilence” that he immediately began work on _A Christmas Carol_. It is allegorical, illustrating the indifference of the upper classes to the plight of those less fortunate.”

“Then give me a bowl of soup and a glass of water at Christmas, Jeeves. A member of the upper classes such as myself does not deserve goose.”

“I was not suggesting you dine on goose, sir. Perhaps it would raise your spirits if you were to donate to some children’s charities. Like Mr. Scrooge, in feeling that you are doing good for the unfortunate, you might feel better.”

“That’s a jolly good idea! Jeeves, gather all of my socks! The children shall have cold feet no more!”

“I would not advise that, sir. Silk socks are not warm.”

“My ties?”

“No, sir. The best use of your resources would be donations of the monetary variety.”

“Oh? **Oh!** You’re right, Jeeves. But ‘are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?’ I don’t want to donate to workhouses.”

“If you will allow me, sir, I shall make a list of those charities most in need, with suggested donations.”

“Jeeves, as always, you have come to the young master’s rescue with aid and succotash!”

“Succor, sir.”

“Aid and succor! Speaking of succor, light the sitting room fire and finish preparing dinner, won’t you?"

“Yes, sir.”

“But no goose!”

“Indeed, sir.”

“And pour yourself a brandy while you're at it. Happy Christmas, Jeeves.”

“Happy Christmas, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Ragged schools" were a nickname for free schools established for poor children in London in the 1880s. Conditions were appalling. Along with funds, Dickens donated a water trough to one school so that the children could wash themselves. He also used the Field Lane school as a model for Fagin's den in _Oliver Twist._
> 
>  _A Christmas Carol_ was a huge hit. In fact, many pirated copies were made. So Dickens did not earn the remuneration a successful author would ordinarily enjoy.
> 
> "Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?" is uttered by Scrooge when asked to help the poor. Later, the Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come throws the words back in his face.
> 
> This was inspired by seeing the 1950 version of "A Christmas Carol", starring Alastair Sim. It's a much darker retelling of the story than is usual. And truer to the novel.


	5. Lady Chatterley's Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bertie finds this novel quite...gratifying.

“Sir? Sir, are you all right?”

“Go away, Jeeves!”

“You sound distressed. Open the door, sir.”

“Go away, I said!”

 

(Two hours later)

“I’m sorry about that, old fruit. I was a tad...overcome. All that turgid quiveringness and whatnot. Strength and reckless vigor and all that, you know? This D.H. Lawrence fellow is the stuff, Jeeves! I’d love to have a gamekeeper myself—oh! Of course I mean Lady Chatterley! With her inside like a sea anemone... well, that wasn’t terribly arousing, and I could done without reading about her flapping open womb...but it’s hot stuff when they’re going to—you know—and she describes his thingummy ‘so big! So dark and cocksure!’ Almost sounds D.H.L. is describing you, doesn't it?"  


“Indeed, sir?” 

“Er, ah. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to."

"These things happen, sir."

"I apologize for the strong language, Jeeves. Lawrence is quite clearly not one of the upper crust. Still, what a writer! As I said, hot stuff!”

“Shall I draw you a cold bath, sir?”

“If you would, Jeeves. And no, you cannot borrow it. It shall take me at least a week to finish it. Possibly more. It’s a gripping story.”

“Gripping sounds like the right word indeed, sir.” 

“Jeeves?”

“I shall draw your bath, sir.”


	6. Men Without Women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bertie discovers Hemingway. It does not go well.

“I say, Jeeves!”

“Yes, sir?”

“One of the Americans at the Savoy told me that Fscot Fitzgerald was a ‘feminine’ writer, that if I wanted the ‘real stuff’, I needed to read this chap Ernest Hemingway. After _Ulysses_ I didn’t feel up to reading another bally long novel, so I got a book of the cove’s short stories the American recommended.”

“ _Men Without Women_. Are you enjoying Mr. Hemingway’s writing?”

“NO! If this is the ‘real stuff’, give me the phony stuff every time. He’s striding about puffing out his chest and roaring like a gorilla all over the place. If you ask me, Jeeves, the man is unsure of himself. He doth roareth too much.”

“Some might agree with you, sir. The critic Max Eastman wrote that ‘Hemingway has a continual sense of the obligation to put forth evidences of red-blooded masculinity. It is of course a commonplace that Hemingway lacks the serene confidence that he _is_ a full-sized man.’ After this review, Hemingway struck Mr. Eastman in the face with a book.”

“I'm not surprised. These stories are about war, and fighting, and men being strenuously masculine all over the place. Take this story. 20 bally pages about a bally bullfight! Bullfights are awful as they are, but 20 bally pages!  Listen to this:

_Finally the bull charged and got under the horse, lifted him, threw him onto his back. The bull, the great, black bull, with a horse on his back, hooves dangling, the bridle caught in the horns. Black bull with a horse on his back, staggering short-legged, then arching his neck and lifting, thrusting, charging to slide the horse off, horse sliding down. Then the bull into a lunging charge at the cape Manuel spread for him._

_Here was the bull standing, heavy, firmly planted. All right, you bastard! Manuel drew the sword out of the muleta, sighted with the same movement, and flung himself onto the bull. He felt the sword go in all the way. Right up to the guard._

 “I can't even read the rest aloud! 20 pages of this poor creature being tortured and dying, and great piles of ridiculously virile puff pastry around it. No thank you."

 “It is not to my taste, sir, but some consider Hemingway’s writing to be a bold new style.”

“Give me Zane Grey and _Riders Of The Purple Sage_ every time, Jeeves. A corking story, good guys and bad guys, and no bull! My tummy's rumbling. What’s for dinner?”

“Beefsteak, sir.”

“...I shall dine out tonight, Jeeves.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Men Without Women_ (1927) was Ernest Hemingway's second book of short stories. Death, prizefighting and bullfighting are some of the subjects. "The Undefeated" is the story quoted above.
> 
> Critical reception was sharply divided. Many lauded Hemingway's terse yet poetic style. The critic Max Eastman, however, wrote of the book: "Hemingway is a full-sized man hewing his way with flying strokes of the poet's broad axe which I greatly admire. Nevertheless, there is an unconscionable quantity of bull—to put it as decorously as possible—poured and plastered all over what he writes about bullfights. By bull I mean juvenile romantic gushing and sentimentalizing of simple facts."
> 
> From the _New York Times_ : "Ernest Hemingway says he slapped Max Eastman's face with a book in the offices of Charles Scribner's Sons, publishers, and Max Eastman says he then threw Hemingway over a desk and stood him on his head in a corner. Mr. Hemingway denies Mr. Eastman threw him anywhere or stood him on his head in any place, and says that he will donate $1,000 to any charity Mr. Eastman may name--or even to Mr. Eastman himself--for the pleasure of Mr. Eastman's company in a locked room with all legal rights waived."


	7. The Picture Of Dorian Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bertie wonders if pinching cow creamers would show up on a portrait.

“Jeeves, a question.”

“Yes, sir?”

“If you had a portrait in the attic that grew old, while you stayed young, but the rummy thing is that the portrait would show all of your sins and grow quite unappealing, would you want a portrait like that? Would you?”

“No, sir.”

“Silly of me to ask, really. You don’t commit any sins.”

“None that would be worth memorializing in oils, sir.”

“Huh. I wonder what a portrait of this Wooster would look like. I’ve pinched cow creamers, impersonated friends and others, cheated at billiards—once—that might not be much when stacked against a life of debauchery and murder.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“This Dorian Gray chap does all sorts of terrible things, Jeeves, but most of the time Wilde is so dashed coy about what those terrible things are. He repeatedly mentions this bally book that Dorian has copies of, without the title. It might as well be _Milady’s Boudoir_. Not that _Milady’s Boudoir_ would lead one to a life of sin. The opposite effect, I should think.”

“The book so obliquely referred to is _Against Nature_ by the French writer Huysmans. It is concerned with the inner life of  Jean des Esseintes, a recluse retreating from bourgeois life to contemplate beauty. It was an important portrait of the Aesthetic movement in the late 19th century—“

“Jeeves, enough about _Against Nature_.”

“Yes, sir.”

"Save it for the long winter nights."

"Yes, sir."

"No, don't. I have no wish to know more."

"Very good, sir."

“I don’t know why this Gray chap preferred that novel over a cracking mystery. The inner life of a bally recluse sounds oppressive to the spirit. I wish this Wilde fellow had been more explicit. It’s damned disappointed to read a ‘racy’ novel and find it’s nothing but hints. It’s not fair that the portrait knows more than the reader. It should be the other way round, what?”

“If you say so, sir.”

“I was thinking of commissioning a portrait of myself. But it might be best not to go down that road. Besides, it might be unsettling to look at my face all day.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“Jeeves! Whatever do you mean?”

“Do you require anything else, sir?”

“No, dash it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ , by Oscar Wilde, was first published in an expurgated form in _Lippincott's Magazine_ in 1880. It was Wilde's only novel. Prior to its publication in 1890 by Ward, Lock and Company, it was further revised. It was a scandalous book, called 'effeminate', 'nauseating', and 'contaminating' , mostly because of its homoerotic nature.
> 
>  _Au Rebours/Against Nature_ is almost impossible to find in unexpurgated form. First published in 1884, critical reception was negative. However, members of the Aesthetic movement, including Oscar Wilde, took the book as their "Bible". _Against Nature_ was used as evidence in the trial of Wilde. 
> 
> The Aesthetic Movement: from theartstory.org: "During the mid-19th century, the provocative and sensuous Aesthetic movement threatened to dismantle Britain's fussy, overbearing, and conservative Victorian traditions. Aesthetic artists touted the adage "art for art's sake," divorcing art from its traditional obligation to convey a moral or socio-political message. Instead, they focused on exploring color, form, and composition in the pursuit of beauty."


	8. A Tale Of Two Cities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bertie wonders if the tumbrels are coming.

“Jeeves, once again, I have been misled! You must give our bookseller a stern talking-to!”

“Indeed, sir?”

“This Tale Of Two Cities, Jeeves. It’s got a corking plot, with old Manette going mad and Darnay being framed and Sydney Carton...Sydney Carton getting drunk and soliloquizing and all. I must say, Jeeves, Carton’s soliloquies are a dashed sight more eloquent than any of my friends could manage when that far under the surface.”

“I fail to understand, then, how you feel misled. It would seem to meet all of your requirements for leisurely reading. Including murder, as when the Marquis St. Evrémonde is killed in revenge for his carriage running over Gaspard’s unfortunate son.”

“Jeeves, not all of the aristocracy is like that, I mean to say! Bertram might not be the best motorist in the country, but he wouldn’t run over a commoner’s child.”

“No, sir.”

“The old marquis getting it in the neck is quite satisfying.”

“Yes, sir.”

“The dramatic bits are all excellent without a doubt, the romantic bits are a bit drippy but one expects that with Dickens. Blathering about Angel’s Wings and the breath of heaven over a kid’s ‘garden tomb’, well, that makes me think of all of the rot they pushed down our throats at Magdalen every Sunday. But—but there’s an awful lot of blood, Jeeves. And it’s all from the aristocracy!”

“Sir, if I may speak freely?”

“Sound your trumpets, my good man.”

“In the Catholic ritual of communion, the priest consecrates a cup of wine and it becomes the blood of Christ, whose entombment and miraculous ascent to heaven on Easter Day have rendered him a symbol of resurrection in Christian tradition.”

“I know that, Jeeves. Back in my university days I was a bit miffed the C. of E. didn’t allow for the blood of the old Only Begotten. It would have made those bally sermons seem shorter!”

“Dickens uses the Christian association of blood, wine, and resurrection, sir.  He suggests that as Christ shed his blood before he was entombed and resurrected, so should the blood of the aristocracy flow before the citizens can take up their new lives.”

“Precisely, Jeeves, precisely! Am I to infer that my blood should flow so that you can take up a new life?”

“I do not wish to take up a new life, sir.”

“What happens when those tumbrel-thingies show up at the front door? Do I go off to the guillotine? It is a far, far awful thing to happen to this Wooster and he does not intend to have ever done it! You may take that as read!”

“In the unlikely event that a tumbrel should come for you, sir, I would not allow it."

“Do you promise me, Jeeves?”

“I promise you, sir.”

“Thank you, Jeeves! The sun never sets on the British Empire. Nor shall it ever set on the British marvel of a valet.”

“Thank you, sir.”

"A brandy and soda, if you would."

"Very good, sir."

"In that case, I shall enjoy a far, far better rest than I would have done otherwise, as old Charles says."

"Indeed,sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens, was published in 1859. It takes place before and during the French Revolution. It has been made into a number of films in both the silent and sound eras, the most famous being the 1935 version starring Ronald Colman as Sydney Carton. The latter was nominated for an Academy Award For Best Picture.
> 
> Bertie is mangling the famous quotation at the end: "It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever had."


	9. Alice Through The Looking Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bertie is baffled.

“Jeeves, I don’t understand. This isn’t Lewis Carroll.”

“Sir?”

“It’s ‘Alice In Wonderland’ but there’s no mad tea party, there’s no Mock Turtle, there’s no bally Cheshire Cat! You know, Jeeves,  you remind me of him, appearing and reappearing. Except for the grin. You never grin.”

“No, sir. To 'grin like a Cheshire Cat' was a saying at the time of the book’s creation. The cheeses in the town of Cheshire were made in the shape of cat faces to amuse buyers, sir. This also explains why the Cat's body disappears, leaving only its head behind. The cheeses were shaped like the face, not the entire cat.”

“You should try grinning sometime, Jeeves.”

“I think not, sir.”

“But not like a cheese. Having a cheese grinning up at me from the dinner plate would quite put me off my feed. Be that as it may, why is there no Cheshire Cat?”

“May I see the book, sir?  Ah. This is the second book, ‘Through The Looking Glass, And What Alice Found There'. It is often called 'Alice Through The Looking Glass'."

“Oh! No wonder it’s so bally difficult to follow! There’s all of this chess in there, Jeeves, and if you don’t play chess it’s confusing, the White Queen, the Red Queen. That reminds me, aren’t chess pieces black and white? If this Carroll fellow was so concerned with writing about chess, he might have made his pieces the right color.”

“Sir, some chess sets are white and red.”

“Tommyrot. Give me checkers every time. I don’t see why this book isn’t about checkers.”

“No, sir.”

“I liked Tweedledum and Tweedledee. But what really burns my toast is this poem, ‘Jabberwocky’. I can’t make heads nor tails of it! Here, listen to this:

 _‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves_  
_Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;_  
_All mimsy were the borogoves,_  
_And the mome raths outgrabe._  
_“Beware the Jabberwock, my son_  
_The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!_  
_Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun_  
_The frumious Bandersnatch!_

Good lord, Jeeves, what is a Bandersnatch? How does a fellow gyre and gimble? Brillig? Is that a phrase about the weather? I mean to say, what is this poem about?”

“It’s nonsense, sir.”

“I know it’s nonsense, Jeeves, but what is it _about_?”

“Nonsense.”

“I already said that I know that it is nonsense, but what _is_ the bally thing meant to be?”

“Non—it is meant to be nonsensical, sir.”

“Ah! We have reached the crux of the thing, Jeeves. Yes, it is nonsensical, no doubt about that, but what does it _mean_?”

“Nothing.”

“I didn’t catch that. What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Yes, you did! You distinctly said something when I asked .”

“I said ‘nothing’, sir.”

“Tosh! The mouth moved, the sounds came out, what were they?”

“ _Nothing_ , sir.”

“Jeeves, cease giving me the stink-eye and fetch me a brandy and soda. Not all the soda. Dash it, if you’re going to write a fairy tale, you should bloody well make it understandable!”

“It’s not a fairy tale, sir, it’s--”

“Don’t start, Jeeves.”

“Very good, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Through The Looking Glass, And What Alice Found There" by Lewis Carroll, was published in 1871. It was the sequel to "Alice In Wonderland", published in 1865. The book contains the famous verses "Jabberwocky" and "The Walrus And The Carpenter". 
> 
> The Beatles reference the book in their song "I Am The Walrus".


	10. The Short Stories Of Edgar Allan Poe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bertie discovers Edgar Allan Poe. The results are not pleasant.

“Jeeves! Jeeves!”

“...Sir...?”

“Jeeves, dashed sorry to have come into your quarters at two in the morning—may I sit down? Could you turn on the light?”

“Not on the bed, sir. There is a comfortable armchair across the room. How can I help you?”

“It’s a bit embarrassing, Jeeves.”

“You read _Fanny Hill_ again, sir?”

“Not that sort of embarrassing! You see, I attended this film, _Murders In The Rue Morgue_ , with Bela Lugosi as a mad scientist. And I thought, what ho, this Poe fellow is the goods, why don’t I pick up a volume of his short stories?”

“The film version bears little resemblance to the story, sir.”

“You’re telling me! No mad scientist, no women being made into apes. Not nearly as entertaining. A dictionary was called for three sentences in. Did you know there was such a word as ‘pasquinaded’, Jeeves?”

“Indeed, sir.  It means to be publicly made fun of.  The name derives from Pasquino, a statue in Rome on which lampoons were posted.”

“Um, yes, but it was most unsatisfying, even if the orangutan did kill everyone in the end. So I moseyed on to ‘A Cask of Amontillado’. Disturbing, but no great shakes in the raising of the hair. But then—then I read ‘The Facts In The Case of M. Valdemar’.”

“Good heavens, sir.”

“Good heavens indeed! Not halfway through I could barely read another line! Some chappie lets another chappie hypnotize him at the exact moment he dies. Listen to this!”

“ _The upper lip, at the same time, writhed itself away from the teeth, which it had previously covered completely; while the lower jaw fell with an audible jerk, leaving the mouth widely extended, and disclosing in full view the swollen and blackened tongue. There was no longer the faintest sign of vitality in M. Valdemar; when  a strong vibratory motion was observable in the tongue. There issued from the distended and motionless jaws a voice--such as it would be madness in me to attempt describing. No similar sounds have ever jarred upon the ear of humanity. The voice seemed to reach our ears from a vast distance, or from some deep cavern within the earth._ ”

Do you see what I mean, Jeeves? Horrible stuff, horrible!”

“Mr. Poe is regarded as one of the greatest writers of the macabre, sir."

“But Jeeves, this Valdemar chappie is kept in a trance for seventh months, and he rots!  Listen to this--this Poe chappie wakes him up:

_There was an instant return of the hectic circles on the cheeks; the tongue quivered, or rather rolled violently in the mouth (although the jaws and lips remained rigid as before;) and at length the same hideous voice which I have already described, broke forth: "For God's sake!--quick!--quick!--put me to sleep--or, quick!-- waken me!-- quick!-- I say to you that I am dead!"_

 “Unnervingly vivid, sir.”

“Jeeves, how is a fellow supposed to sleep after that? Can you believe it, it gets worse!

_As I rapidly made the mesmeric passes, amid ejaculations of "dead! dead!" absolutely bursting from the tongue and not from the lips of the sufferer, his whole frame at once--within the space of a single minute, or even less, shrunk--crumbled--absolutely rotted away beneath my hands. Upon the bed, before that whole company, there lay a nearly liquid mass of loathsome--of detestable putridity._

Now, how is a fellow to sleep after that, I ask you?" 

“...”

“I say, Jeeves. Are you alright?"

"..."

"You’ve gone pale.”

“If I might make the suggestion, sir, we could retire to the sitting room, and put all of the lights on. Perhaps you could play some of your favorite songs. ‘My Canary Has Circles Under His Eyes’.”

“And ‘He Might Be Your Dog But He's Wearing My Collar’.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“Right, right. To the sitting room!”

“Thank you, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849) is acknowledged as one of the greatest writers of horror fiction. 'Murders In The Rue Morgue' is considered to have invented the modern detective story. He achieved fame with his most well-known poem, "The Raven". For his first book of short stories, he was paid in copies. This led him to campaign for higher wages for writers. Poe published short stories, poetry, a novel, a textbook, a book of scientific theory, and hundreds of essays and book reviews. He made his living as America’s first great literary critic and theoretician. The cause of his death remains a mystery.


	11. Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which reading Kafka has an undesired effect.

 

“Sir, are you looking for something?”

“No, no. Jeeves, I apologize for interrupting you at whatever it is you’re doing—“

“I am slicing potatoes for _gratin dauphinois_ , sir.”

“Oh, ah.”

“Then why are you looking under the dish rack, sir?”

 “I know you keep the flat as shiny as a new ice cream truck, and don’t get up on your hind legs. But...do we have bugs?”

“Bugs, sir?”

“I believe they’re called cockroaches. Brown, like to crawl on the walls, hide in dark spaces, eat rotten food, those sort of verminous goings-on.”

“ _No,_ sir.”

“Lower those eyebrows, Jeeves. I was hoping for that answer.”

“Sir, I do not believe you need further proof by looking inside the bread box.”

“Better safe than sorry, old thing!”

“May I ask is the reason for this sudden interest in cockroaches, sir?”

“Um...well...Jeeves, have you ever read Kafka?”

“Yes, sir. Franz Kafka is not one of my preferred authors. I find his writings bleak.”

“Yes, bleak is the word. Disturbing is another. Do you mind if I take a quick peek at the stove?”

“Sir, did you read _Metamorphosis_?”

“Jeeves! How did you know?”

“ _Metamorphosis_ concerns Gregor Samsa, a traveling salesman who wakes up one morning transformed into a giant insect. In the original German it is _ungeheures Ungeziefer_ , which translates to ‘monstrous vermin’ Sir, perhaps you should sit down. You look pale. Can I fetch you a cocktail, sir?”

“Yes! Brandy, no soda.”

“Sir, there is no need to inspect the bottom of the glass.”

“I wasn’t—“

“I promise you Gregor Samsa is not lying at the bottom of the brandy.”

“Jeeves! One could be excused from worrying after reading about a man becoming an cockroach, fed rotten food, and scurrying under the couch!”

“Sir, it is an allegory. Rather like _A Christmas Carol_. Kafka’s preferred subject matter is men facing surreal situations in which they are isolated by transformations or unexplained bureaucratic powers.”

“I don’t see why he couldn’t transform into a mouse. Mice are also household pests. His family could have gotten a cat and finished him off, rather than letting him dry out and die...aaaugh! I can’t stop seeing it, Jeeves. A giant dead dried-out cockroach.”

“It is most distressing, sir. May I suggest a remedy?”

“Anything, Jeeves!”

“ _The Velveteen Rabbit_ by Margery Williams. It is a touching story about a child’s toy who longs to become a real rabbit.”

“Oh! Yes, that’s the ticket, Jeeves! Put aside the potatoes and run to the booksellers!”

“Very good, sir. Perhaps it would be better if you adjourned to the sitting room.”

“There aren’t—“

“No, sir. I give you my word.”

“I pity the vermin that would pit themselves against you, Jeeves.”

“Indeed, sir. I shall return with all haste.”

“Thank you, Jeeves!”

"There is still no need to inspect the bottom of the glass, sir."

"My apologies, Jeeves. But you can never be too careful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Franz Kafka (1833-1924) is widely recognized as one of the great figures of 20th century literature. _Die Verwandlung, Metamorphosis_ , a novella, was first published in Leipzig (now the Czech Republic) in 1915. He was an unknown writer in his lifetime, but was not interested in fame. Besides _Metamorphosis_ , his most famous work is _The Trial._
> 
> Never married, Kafka was a compulsive womanizer addicted to pornography. He died of tuberculosis in 1924. On his deathbed, he was editing _The Hunger Artist_ , published 1924. 
> 
> From Wikipedia:  
> Kafka left his work to his friend and literary executor Max Brod with instructions that it should be destroyed on Kafka's death. Brod ignored this request and published the novels and collected works between 1925 and 1935. He took many papers, which remain unpublished, with him in suitcases to Palestine when he fled there in 1939. Kafka's last lover, Dora Diamant also ignored his wishes, keeping 20 notebooks and 35 letters. These were confiscated by the Gestapo in 1933.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Jeeves and Wooster Book Club](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14497536) by [ricketybridge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricketybridge/pseuds/ricketybridge)




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